How to release high expectations

As a recovering perfectionist, I’m well aware that my high expectations can get the better of me. Without realising it, I can be living through something and take myself completely out of the present moment because my mind has been plucked and dropped into the false reality my expectations have created in my head. The true reality that’s actually playing out in front of me goes unnoticed.

High expectations means the stakes are always high. It feels like there’s real risk involved if you don’t meet them, the possibility of failure. Your nervous system is on high alert, always striving to reach the unattainable goalposts that would only move higher if you were ever able to meet them.

And there is real risk involved, but not the one you think.

The real risk is missing the joy, peace, ease, happiness available in the present moment, if only you were able to drop the endless striving.

Striving, when done gently, sustainably with compassion and a realistic outlook isn’t a bad thing. It’s what moves us forward in the world to where we want to be. But the thing with high expectations is that they’re often unrealistic.

Where do high expectations come from

High expectations are often the Achilles’ heel of high achievers and perfectionists. They’re a coping mechanism learnt, usually in childhood, to keep you striving for perfection, for the best, for more. Why? Because when we were young and making sense of the world, we learnt, through our experiences and environment, that this is what makes us worthy, what makes us loved, what makes us seen.

It makes total sense then that the stakes are high. If we need to be the best to be loved, we need to be the best to survive, because, as a young and helpless child, our survival simply depends on the care and love of our caregivers.

As we grow older, striving so highly, so deeply is reinforced as a pattern by society, where good grades and following success is highly rewarded.

Ultimately, high expectations stem from the belief of not being enough. The belief that we are lacking in some way and, therefore, need to keep endlessly pushing for more to reach for what we think will cover up the holes we think we have.

How exhausting.

This belief is why high expectations are often unrealistic. If we believe we’re always lacking, always needing to prove our worth, then the striving never ends, we will always be in pursuit of something that will make us enough. No matter how high, high is never enough, there always needs to be more.

High expectations become the pursuit of enoughness.

Releasing high expectations

So how do you let go of high expectations? Examining your beliefs, particularly around feeling good enough is important.

The following prompts taken from my Journaling Guide for Perfectionism may help you to examine these:

• How do I set current standards?

• Whose expectations am I trying to meet?

• How realistic are the expectations I’m setting myself?

• What does good enough look like?

Beliefs can also be explored with support and guidance in 1:1 coaching.

How to let go of high expectations

Besides beliefs, the first step to letting something go is always the awareness that it’s happening in the first place.

If you want to check in with your expectations and release the pressure and tension they’re creating in your body, follow these steps:

1. Awareness.

Notice what your expectations are.

How are they making you feel?

What are the thoughts, feelings that arise in response?

Notice your body, are those expectations creating tension? Where do you feel that tension?

2. Be realistic.

If you notice tension, ask yourself, “Are my expectations really realistic?”

3. Compassion.

Acknowledge the part of you that holds these expectations. 

Thank that part of you for working hard to keep you safe and say you’d like to let go of them now.

4. Let go.

Imagine putting the expectations inside a balloon.

Visualise letting the balloon go up high into the air away from your body.

Sense any relief you feel. Maybe your shoulders drop, maybe you want to exhale.

5. Reframe.

Ask yourself, “What’s one realistic thing you hope to gain from the situation in question?”

Can you let that one thing be your only expectation?

Can you let that be enough?

6. Savour.

If your high expectations exist in something you’re already doing…

Pause and notice the present moment.

Savour what’s already happening. Feel what it’s like in your body.

You might be surprised your expectations are already being met.

With love,

Suzi x

I hope you find this practice helpful. If you want support and guidance with understanding your beliefs around high expectations and how to let go of them so they stop holding you back, coaching could be for you. If you have any questions around this, I’d be happy to connect with you. Send me an email or book a free 20-minute connection call.